You think you are just going for a run, but you are actually pissing people off!
Running is considered a lifetime activity, meaning that almost anyone (sorry Bran) at any age is capable of participating. This may seem obvious but it is worth stating, that is an extremely large group of people. Now the group of people who actually run, whether that is on a treadmill, on the streets, in the woods, or on a track, love to show off their mystical abilities to run over any extended period of time, in a variety of different ways. The main way people love to humble brag is at running events. These events cover a wide range of distances, from mile fun-runs to Ultra Marathons of 100+ miles.
Events serve a few ego boosting purposes, all revolving around the idea of gaining attention. This is a big reason people (including myself) participate in these events, for an awesome Instagram picture that validates self-worth. As someone whom is guilty of participating in a little ego boosting from time-to-time I have quite a bit of experience with runners. If you are new to these kinds of events or just want to make fun of runners, here is the breakdown of some of the types of runners you are likely to encounter. If you are looking to continue with the laughs check out a breakdown of the gym stereotypes!
1. The Running Hardo!!
The running hardo is easily the most irritating type of runner. You can spot a hardo from a mile away (assuming the race is more than a mile). The hardo usually has the physical appearance of a reanimated skeleton, because they are both pale, bone thin, wearing little more then rags and have no social communication skills. If you do have the displeasure of engaging in a conversation with one of these hell spawn, the topics usually have little variety. First and foremost, the hardo will tell you multiple times that the event you both are about to participate in is not nearly as hard as a previous event the hardo did. After that key fact is established, the conversation will inevitably cover these points; how fast the hardo’s mile/5k/10k/half/marathon/Oregon trail time is, the best running app/watch/gear/sneakers, proper dieting techniques and how he/she hasn’t gotten laid in years (maybe they won’t say it outright but the body language speaks for itself). A hardo will be wearing as little clothes as possible, yet not one sexual thought will pop up in your head. The remarkable thing is both the male and female hardo wear the same length (and probably identical) shorts. They also share the same tank tops, though some males elect to go with the bare-ribs look. I would be remiss in my duties as an impartial writer if I did not mention you will never ever outrun one of these dorky freaks of nature.
2. The Rhumba Cruiser!!!
This type of runner seemingly defies everything I thought I knew. Almost impossible to miss due to their size, the chumba cruiser is obviously overweight. Their appearances’ can take on the form of two distinct styles. The first is the baggy clothes look. The clothes are clearly meant to hide the obvious, that the runner is severely overweight. Naturally the clothes are soaked in sweat before the race even begins. Usually some type of brace is present. The other style is one that deserves respect, despite its repulsiveness. The chumba who embraces the obvious will be wearing no shirt or something form fitting as a sign of acknowledging what we all already know, a fat person is attempting a running race. During the race all the visible body parts will be bouncing as if to throw in our faces that this person refuses to conform to societal norms.
Talk to the cruising chumba and you will have no choice but to respect the person. Topics of conversation are typically geared towards a few subjects. Topics range from the chumba’s attempts to get back in shape, how difficult the current event is about to be, the litany of health problems that accompany the person, and most importantly, what the food spread at the end of the race will offer. For the sake of neutrality, my respect comes from the never-quit, results don’t matter, finish at any cost attitude of the chumba cruising through the event. In fact, this video is a great example of someone who exemplifies this type.
3. The Kid!!!
There is nothing more demoralizing then preparing to torture oneself and seeing one of these kids. There is no specific look to this type of runner but one can notice a few things. First, the kid will be talking to nobody; in the future the kid will be a running hardo but has yet to develop the kind of misguided confidence to engage in social interaction. Clothing is basic, usually some type of high school track shirt to acknowledge that the kid has never participated in a real sport. Almost undoubtly the kid will prepare for the race by failing to look up from a cell phone screen.
These kids will almost without fail be unable to have a conversation so topics are extremely limited. But when the race begins, this is where the kid is most comfortable. Any thoughts of beating one of these little devils will go right out the window the second the race starts. You will feel shame.
4. The Spartan Race/ Tough Mudder Hardo!!!
This is a fairly new type of runner that has slowly started to grow in numbers. The people who best embody this kind of hardo are extremely different from the running hardo. First and foremost is the body type; there is no specific kind. These hardo’s range from shredded to husky. You may be wondering how you spot such a person, well that’s the simple part. Without fail the hardo will be wearing an identifying piece of clothing that highlights that the person has at one point participated in a Sparten Race or Tough Mudder. The person fits the other side of the social spectrum by being loud and obnoxious. The person may even be wearing those foot glove sneakers.
Conversations with these hardo’s will without fail go in one direction. The person will talk about nothing else but Sparten Races or Tough Mudders. They will loudly talk your ear off about the training they are doing for an upcoming event, that they believe that just straight running is stupid and boring, and about the time they carried a flaming bag of sand on their back while climbing a 1,000 foot wall made of shards of glass. This person will have total disdain for any runner and the event they are willingly participating in. For the sake of neutrality their performance really is a mixed bag, some are true athletes and some are total frauds.
5. The Golden Oldies!!!
I actually have nothing negative to say about these people. While most of their contemporaries are worrying about getting an erection or wondering when they are going to die, these oldie’s are out there putting people to shame. The thing about these people is that they literally wear whatever the hell they want. Some look like they haven’t changed in days, others like they are going to a family BBQ once they finish. Without fail, they do not care remotely what they look like.
Conversations with these people can prove quite interesting. Some are barely holding on to their marbles and are liable to go on and on about anything. Others used to compete against dinosaurs’ and offer quite a bit of insight. Some are seriously accomplished runners. Regardless, I recommend chatting it up because it will certainly prove entertaining. You never know what kind of performance one of these oldie’s is going to give, their speeds range from walk-with-arms-pumping to how-the-hell-is-that-possible. Either way, you should feel worse about yourself then when the kids inevitably pass you.
6. The winners!!!
Perhaps this is best explained by a picture.
by Mike Moglia